Asking Clarifying Questions
This is Part 2 of communication tip #6 – ask clarifying questions to avoid the dangers of assumptions. If you read Part 1 you would have noticed right off the bat that I compared making assumptions to looking up into the sky, seeing a few stars, and then saying, “That’s a bear”, which is exactly what some ancient weirdos did with Ursa Major. We too, like our ancestors, have a wild ability to take a few tidbits of information, string them together to make a constellation of a story that is rarely accurate and leads us to approach situations ineffectively.
In Part 1 we looked at the first two of four scenarios in which we are likely to make assumptions that end up creating relational harm. We also learned two important skills for preventing this:
1. Choose to believe the best about your partner’s intentions and motives to interrupt the default negative assumptions.
2. Engage your partner with nonjudgmental curiosity to prevent defensiveness and learn what’s needed to solve the problem or meet your needs.
By implementing these principles, you are exercising wisdom. “The purposes (motives) of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out. (Prov. 20:5, NIV)”.
We will now look at the last two scenarios and the last two skills to better equip us to solve the problems that we experience and draw out what is true in our relationships.
Example 3: Filling in the Blanks When You Don’t Get a Timely Reply
Ineffective (Assuming Meaning of Non-Response)
Partner A: “You didn’t text me back for three hours. I guess I’m not a priority.”
Partner B: “Seriously? I was in meetings all afternoon.”
Before reading further, stop for moment. Quick! Name seven reasons why a person may not text you back immediately after you texted them that have nothing to do with how they feel about you. Go! What did you come up with? Phone was dead, overwhelmed at work, left their phone at home or in the car, didn’t see your text, thought it wasn’t urgent, or weren’t in a position where texting back would be appropriate. I’m sure you have others. We could combine and probably list 20-40 possible reasons that have nothing to do with how the other party feels about us.
Rather than attempt to grab a hurtful reason out of thin air, let’s ask clarifying questions to discover what is actually true. And of course, the reason may not always be great or could even be about you, but that too is also helpful as now you are engaging the other person based on facts, not assumptions, which increases the likelihood of a more productive outcome.
Effective (Clarifying Instead of Assuming)
Partner A: “I texted you about the Johnson’s wanting us to come over tonight. I noticed I didn’t hear back from you for a few hours, and I felt a little brushed off. Was something going on this afternoon?”
Partner B: “Sure was, honey. Back-to-back meetings. I certainly wasn’t ignoring you and I replied as soon as I could. Sounds like something important may be going on with the Johnsons. I’m all ears now.”
Partner A’s soft startup and curious question got her exactly what she needed, confirmation that she wasn’t abandoned, and she did it expertly. Her approach invited accountability without attacking and she believed the best about her partner, acting as if he would have replied if circumstances permitted. Nor did she abandon her own heart for the sake of avoiding conflict. She was vulnerable and curious, and received a supportive response for her efforts.
Example 4: Assuming Task Incompletion Means You’re Being Disrespected or Aren’t Valued
Ineffective (Character and Value-based Assumptions)
Partner A: “You forgot to take out the trash again. You just don’t respect my time. Your word is useless.”
Partner B: “That’s not fair. I just forgot.”
When a partner fails at meeting a goal of yours, it is easy to interpret the reason as purely moral, due to their poor character, or purely about your value. Let’s experiment, ok? Tell me what the first line of this article was because I really hope you like it. Do you remember? Does that mean you have no respect for me or think this article is garbage? Should I think you’re inattentive, lazy, a poor learner if you didn’t remember? Of course not. Even though that’s a simple example, you can see the extrapolation to relationships. There are myriad reasons why things don’t get done or tasks get forgotten other than you being a joke of a person who deserves no respect.
The danger here is that when we look at a situation purely through a moral, character- or value-based lens, then the only solution is for the other party to produce a moral or values-based solution. If a person called their partner lazy for not emptying the dishwasher, now the partner is forced to either defend why they aren’t lazy or do their version of what they think would appear to you as not being lazy. On top of figuring out how to get a task done, now they must wrestle with shame if they believe your judgment about them or embrace the conclusion that the trash was not picked up because of their deep character flaws. The dynamic itself is toxic because it sets the accusatory partner up as the moral authority of the relationship, and by default, makes the other partner the inferior. Who wants to sign up for that?
Even in the remote chance the partner is actually lazy, their desire to not be the inferior will lead them to fight back, not admit the laziness. Instead, they will resent you for the character assignation. This treats a partner like a person to be fixed, instead of an equal whose help you need to solve a simple problem.
Real curiosity views a problem as an opportunity to improve each other’s lives in the mutual pursuit of a solution. Imagine if the accusing partner used the third skill of approaching the issue as a problem to be solved, not a person to be fixed by suspending judgment and asking a few curious questions:
Effective (Clarifying Instead of Assuming)
Partner A: “I saw the trash was still full this morning. I’m trying to understand why this keeps happening. Can you help me understand what gets in the way? How can we ensure we get this to the curb every night before trash day?”
Partner B: “I genuinely forgot. I’ll take care of it now. So sorry, honey. I’ve just been so preoccupied with the kids that I forget some of the other stuff I said I’d do.”
The example above isn’t accusatory but still emphasizes the importance of the task being completed. When it wasn’t, Partner A’s nonjudgmental soft startup made it easier for Partner B to own what happened. They are perfectly poised for problem-solving the great trash dilemma with neither one feeling judged, attacked, or devalued. By doing this, the problem stayed small, the conversation stayed on topic, and nothing escalated to relational damage. In fact, each successive problem-solving encounter like this creates greater bonding and confidence in each other to solve whatever life brings their way.
Now you may be saying, “But this happens ALL the time and I’m so sick of it.” Great point. Frequent relational misses are frustrating. And you have the freedom to vent that frustration however you want. Just remember though, how you express it has a tremendous effect on the response you get. You can really let your partner have it and reap the blowback that gets you. Or, you can acknowledge that you’re frustrated, disappointed, or whatever, and choose nonjudgemental curiosity to get to the root cause of the problem, solve it, and go to bed feeling like a loving team. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I’ve witnessed it too many times – a partner feels slighted and then feels entitled to inflict harm on their partner to exact some sort of pain as repayment. Good luck with that. The root cause remains unsolved, your partner feels belittled, and your moral superiority leaves you feeling lonely and abandoned. Please choose the better way. We aren’t responsible for the other party’s actions or inaction, but we are 100% responsible for ours.
Our default negative narratives can be cancerous, taking neutral or even positive circumstances and turning them into toxic interactions that erode the relationship. The story we tell ourselves will either build our partner and ourselves up or tear them down, making them appear less lovable and worthy of dignity and respect. I plead with you to rewrite the narrative by incorporating the new facts and experiences your curious nonjudgmental questions evoked. When you rewrite the narrative, you’re not just correcting a misunderstanding, you’re actively changing how your heart and brain perceive your spouse and marriage to something more fulfilling. When we challenge the default narrative and rewrite it to tell a more hopeful, redemptive, and solution-focused version of our relationship and spouse, everybody wins.
We made it to the conclusion of a tough topic on how to avoid our natural inclination to assume the worst and create a negative narrative from tidbits of information. To help you remember these principles when emotions run high, here’s a simple way to keep them front and center. Let’s choose to be a BEAR by incorporating the principles discussed above and in the previous post!
B – Believe the best about your partner’s intentions by challenging the default narrative
E – Engage your partner with nonjudgmental curiosity
A – Approach the issue as a problem to be solved, not a person to be fixed
R – Rewrite the narrative by incorporating the new facts and experience